April 8, 2011 in OUT-DATED
So there was this girl I was courting for a while at work. I know I know work relationships always end up in the toilet but I was willing to be the exception to the rule. I figured what could really go wrong right? So, a little back story on the girl. Let’s just call her Lady South. So lady south and I had shared a few pecks in the corners of the office and all I could think was “yessir I am going to lay the smack down”. Sorry but that was the thought process of a 21-year-old man. I had a strong attraction to her or maybe it was just her big southern booty, sweet tea lips and Sunday morning Smile. Oh, I know I mentioned she was from the South but when she told me where she was from I thought she would be from Mississippi but she shocked me by saying she was from Orlando, Florida. Now I know it’s the south (I paid attention in middle school) but I only knew of Orlando from my family trips to Disney and maybe I never encountered any locals because she sounded like she had spent some time making sweet tea and lemonade on a porch somewhere in Mississippi while swinging on a swing attached to a tree.
Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to hang out this weekend and her eyes lit up and immediately started blushing. She said to me “you pick the place and I’ll meet you there.” I was down for the cause and was over the moon for the time I was going to spend with her on the weekend. She also added a twist I was not expecting. She said “Since we might be out late you can stay over my place because I don’t want you traveling alone on the train that late at night”
At the time I was living with the two biggest cock blockers.
My parents!! They didn’t mean to do it but I wasn’t trying to smash with the rents in the same house. Anyway, we spoke pretty much all day on email (yeah I know we worked 5 feet away from each other) trying to decide where she wanted to eat. Unfortunately she picked a place that was actually going to be the death of me. She said the worst thing I could have heard “let’s go to Red Lobster” I said “why do you want to go there out of all the restaurants in the city?” She explained “it makes me feel like I am home” I have not been to Red Lobster in over 10 years. Mostly because my family graduated to finer dining and also the fact that I was “DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH” (I mean epi pen/Benadryl/call 911 statuses) and she knew that. At first I became annoyed but then she said “I know they have chicken and you can eat the biscuits as well” The fact that I even said yes should have been a foreshadowing for the fact that this date was going to be a disaster. Why didn’t I immediately say no. It was for another thing I wasn’t allergic to. Yes people the power of the P. I wanted to have sexual relations with this woman.
Scene Saturday night. Backup a little. All day I was freaking out and trying to see how I could get out of this dinner at Red Lobster. I had a plan hatched. I would not make a reservation. For some of you not familiar with NYC every restaurant between 7-10 PM is packed to the gills. So I figured that was a great plan. I had made a reservation down the street at another restaurant for “her” backup and for my 1st choice. The plan was coming together perfectly or so I thought. I get to the Lobster and I she gets to the corner I can spot her a mile away. She was wearing some nice jeans. Well all her jeans were nice because they were holding all that GREATNESS. We kiss each other on the cheek and embrace. From that embrace I realized why I didn’t care about anything but making her happy. Her smell was intoxicating. I don’t know the fragrance but it was surely doing the trick. I explained to her that our reservation was not available and I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else. She said its ok we can just wait and talk. DAMMIT (in my head I dropped to my knees and gave the Florida Evans—“damn damn damn”)! We chatted and chatted and laughed and giggled two and a half hours later that stupid buzzer rang and my anxiety level went to a 1,000. I can’t believe I was about to go into the Lion’s Den of food allergies. We arrived at our table and saw the bus boy wiping off our table with a rag but I thought to myself was that rag was just dipped in shrimp juice. Anyway, we sit down and refuse to touch anything. I mean anything without some type of barrier. To tell the truth I wish I had a body condom on so I would be protected me from my inevitable death. As we are sitting at the table as much as I try to relax I can’t keep help thinking when am I going to stab myself in the leg with my Allergy Pen but also thinking man she looks good and trying to picture her naked because she said “come on over to my place (Teddy Pendergrass voice)
Of course with my luck its crab fest and she orders the all you can eat crab. I ordered the grilled chicken and some veggies. I was thinking to myself “damn this girl is about to splash all this crab juice all in my eyes and all over me.” Oh I forgot to mention she FREAKIN wanted to sit NEXT TO ME. Who does that? Apparently she does. So sad. I am not enjoying myself and the conversation because I was so occupied with the smell of fish and seafood. Her food came and tore that food up. I mean within 20 minutes she tore through two plates. I thought to myself “DAMN she eats fast but was also relieved that we were able to leave ASAP”. The check comes and I leave my credit card and she says “Thank You, no man has ever paid for me”. Then I thought to myself she must have dated some dumbass dudes. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and bites my ear. Normally I would be happy but I was so worried her crab lips with all that juice on them would make my ear blow up. Luckily that didn’t happen. As we are leaving the spot she grabs my hand and I looked at my hand that thought man her hands are warm and we proceeded to the door.
As soon as we left there I felt like I could conquer the world. I made it through the trenches and crab grenades and made it to the other side. She said to me “Let’s go get drunk” I agreed and we went to a lounge downtown close to the Holland Tunnel so we could just hop in a cab and go straight to the “get down”
We arrive at the lounge and she drinks a Malibu and pineapple and I think to myself “do I really like this girl”? I mean she’s cool but damn she is so not my type. She’s educated or should I say she received a degree but doesn’t act as if she had experienced anything and was a little to abrasive for me. Through all of that as the night got longer the more I was becoming less attracted to her. Then at one point toward the end of the night when I would kiss her mouth felt really HOTT. As a matter of fact so did her lips and face and body. I mean I could feel it though her clothes. I thought it was the lounge because it was a little stuffy but I just thought man I’m putting it on her (yeah I’ve got a big ego). All of a sudden she excuses herself and I sit there head bobbin to the music. After the 1st, 2nd, 3rd…6th song came on I was still jamming and realized and wondered “where the hell is this girl”? She comes back and grabs her coat and says “we have to go NOW” I follow her as she pulls me out of the lounge. By the way her hand feels even hotter now.
We come outside and she says to me can you walk me to a Duane Reade I think I am having an allergic reaction. I asked her how she felt and she said she felt hot but she said I feel like I have bumps on my face. I told her I didn’t see anything but as he hit a street light that’s when the madness began to happen. She looked like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdsbh870S3Y&feature=related I rushed her to the Duane Reade and she gulped down some Benadryl. She said she felt fine but I told her she didn’t look so good. Selfishly I thought to myself all that booty is going to waste tonight because I can’t go home with that. For some reason she didn’t want the night to end. She wanted to keep walking around and I was eager to put her on the train. She actually began to feel better on the inside but her face still looked like a cactus. I purposely yawned about 20 times in that last hour we spent walking around and she said to me those 5 magical words only a jerk loves “do you want to go”? I said (with a sad face) “”yes I’m all of a sudden very sleepy and I think you should go too”. We were close to the Path train and I walked her to the step and she leaned in and kissed me. Boy this was tough but I took one for the team. Her lips went from Juicy peaches to dry sandpaper. Man that was tough. As I was walking to my train I couldn’t help but think she should have been a little more thoughtful and not wanting to go to Red Lobster because of my allergies but I guess that’s Karma? I don’t know but all I know is that my champagne dreams turned into Benadryl Nightmares. As the song goes “NEVER Trust a big butt and a smile that girl is poison” (well allergic to seafood)