I usually only tell this embarrassing story to a few close friends, but since my name isn’t attached to this I feel free enough to share this complete and utter foolishness with all of you. It was a lonely single night that all started while looking through the personal ads on craigslist. Yes, I know I know…promise it was for entertainment purposes only. I just wanted to chuckle a bit. As I’m breezing through all the duds, I come across one title that really stood out “MR NYC”. Hummm, lets see what you have going on sir. He says he’s a busy MTV executive that’s just too busy to date, but when he finds the time he likes to wine and dine that special lady. My kind of guy! He’s picture is also a winner. Approximately 6’0 with a great physique and very charming smile. I ask myself, “WHY is this guy on Craigslist”, but then I remember that I am too.
So I reach out. Let’s count this as my first mistake if you can ignore my initial one of ever looking on the site.
He asks for my picture and I ask for more of his. He begins to look really familiar, but I can’t call it because we haven’t exchanged names just yet. You know, just in case the other is a psycho -_- We speak for about a week via email and then he asks for my number. At this point I felt comfortable enough to give it to him because he’d been such a gentleman so far. Checking in to see how my days were going, giving good mid day inspiration and telling quality jokes. Gotta love a jokester, right?
He tells me his name, Jordan, hummm…he looks and sounds familiar. We begin to share our stories. His stats sound too good to be true. MTV executive, real estate agent and a writer who has his own brownstone in Ft. Greene? Say what?! I also find out that he’s from my home state, Greek and we know a ton of the same people. Well, this must be heaven! I’m ready for our date. Bring it on Mr. NYC.
Second mistake. He says “Lets go out for a night on the town”. Perfect sounds great to me. We start off at Fashion Forty for drinks and a lil dancing. He’s impeccably dressed; suit, tie and briefcase. (Sidenote: when i see him I realize that this is the SAME guy that helped me find my current place over a year ago which is why he sounded so familiar. I had a crush on him then, but never said anything. Small world.) Back to the story… It’s already crowded upon arrival. The only seats available are those that are clearly marked “reserved”. We don’t have any reservations, but he instructs me to sit down anyways. We’re having a great convo when the waitress comes over and says, “I’m so sorry, but these seats are reserved so I’m gonna have to ask you to move”. He says, “No problem sweetheart, I got you” and then continues to talk to me. Five minutes pass by and we’re still in the same place. I’m thinking it’s a little rude, but I want to see how rude this guy can get. Gotta throw in some tests on the first date. I mouth “sorry” to the waitress. She comes back over and says “Hey, there may be some seats for you in the back, but you can’t sit here”. He ignores her and she walks away. Now, the security guard is coming over. “Excuse me my man, but this area is reserved. You gotta go.” Jordan jumps out his seat and says “Damn! Can’t even have a convo with the lady. Ya’ll rude as hell”. He takes my hand and escorts me to the bar. bloop Bloop BLOOP (bubble appears over my head)…Okay, I haven’t been on a first date in almost 5yrs, but I don’t remember them going like this. I let it go because I’m happy we’re headed to the bar.
He apologizes for being rude with the waitress, but he’s “just not use to that treatment”. All he wants to do is make sure I have a good time. My smile returns. We’re throwing drinks back and really enjoying each others company. I can see the women at the spot staring him down and its very obvious to him as well. Three, count em, three girls came up to him while he was talking to me. I laugh it off because I hadn’t realized how truly thirsty woman can be up until this very moment. He politely lets them know he’s with me. Right now, I’m impressed by how he is handling this free-for-all. Most of the girls give me the side eye and keep it moving. One however is very persistent. The persistent chick introduces herself, he says hello and turns his back to her. She then begins to dance seductively on his back. He tries to ignore it and we enjoy a quality laugh at her expense . She kicks it up a notch. He turns around and gives her the hard three finger tap on the shoulder. She turns around with a huge grin on her face and he says, “Hey miss, I know you’re really into me, but I didn’t come here with you so can you please take your ass off my back?” WTF! Did he just say that! Omg, okay I need to leave because this is just too much. I tell him it’s getting late so I should go (classic line). He begs me to hang out more and asks me to take him to my favorite spots. I agree.
Enter my third mistake. As we taxi from club to club, drinking and having a grand ole time, I begin to forget about this guys temper because I’ve had wayyy too many drinks and he’s so damn cute. Sparks are definitely flying and we end up making out at a bar on the LES. We’re almost to “get a room” status and then I realize that I’m crazy hungry. My favorite street meat stand is directly outside. Perfect. AND the conversation goes like this….
Me: Hi, can I get a gyro with no hot sauce please?
Street Meat Man: No hot sauce?
Me: Noooo hot sauce (doing finger wave)
Gyro comes and I’m excited. MMMmm, yes. Bite and pause.
Me: “Aw MAN, it has hot sauce on it”
Jordan: No it doesn’t. (Takes it and shakes his head)
Me: Yeah… it does, but that’s okay I’ll work it out. I’m too hungry
Jordan: Nah you need to take that shit back
Me: No, no really its okay. I’ll live.
Jordyn: Nah, if you wanna go back come on
What mistake number am I on again?
He takes my hand and we’re on our way back. Awe. He cares. We approach the street cart and I say…
Me: Excuse me sir, you put hot sauce on my gyro and I asked for it without
Street Meat Man: You asked for hot sauce
*****(Insert Jordan’s temper flaring)****
Me: No. I didn’t. So can I get another?
Street MEAN Man: No absolutely not. Not at all.
Jordan: WTF! BLEEEEEP! I can’t believe you gonna come at a lady like that you worthless piece of BLEEEEEP! I should BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEP!!!!
He proceeds to pick up all the street meat mans sizzling hot food off his cart with his bare hands and throws it all over the poor man’s face and chest. He takes another hand full and throws it at the people in line, the brick wall and passerby’s. Jaw drop, BLANK STARE and two hard Barbie blinks after a long pause. Are you serious??? I try to hold him back from punching the street meat man when a group of guys comes rushing over from the opposite side of the street and yok him up. He had caused a huge scene and the entire street was looking at us. As soon as the guys pin him down in his perfectly pressed suit now stained with greasy goodness, I take off in a frenzy and head for the nearest train. What a night!!!
Needless to say, I have learned my lesson that Craigslist is really a shit list. I hope we can all take something from this experience.